T = Kx

"People are not fools like you!
They know how to put 2 and 2 together!!"

How often have you heard someone say this to you?

Truth be told, at least from my point of view; there would be only a handful of people who would be granted the liberty of making such a statement. Your reaction to an instigation of this extent depends completely on your frame of mind at that precise moment.

Do you have a bloated ego? Do you trust the person enough who is judging you? Are you ashamed of your actions? Do you sincerely feel that you were unaware of how your actions would be construed? Do you care what people around you think of you? Or Do you accept that you are a indeed a fool?

How the human mind interprets such a situation can have a lasting impact on your perception of life, your priorities and goals. I have seen numerous people react differently. While some would take it as a personal challenge to defy all odds to prove a point, the others will propel themselves into abyss and let the darkness manifest itself shrouding all capabilities of achievement marred by low confidence until the mind is totally consumed.

In one of my recurring phases of self isolation, I decided to paint a scenery in my mind with a cast and a compelling story.While I immersed my soul in living out the figments of imagination conjured, there were a few traits about the protagonist that stood out. While the story line had many elements that were constantly trading places, ideas and consummating the screen; the protagonist had his eyes on only his goal. It seemed that anything and everything around him did not exist save his aspiration. Every action of his was accentuated towards the attainment of his goal. What he did not realize was that every step that he took towards achieving his aim, the other elements on the canvas interpreted in a manner intrinsic to themselves. What this resulted in was a cascade of events that eventually deterred the protagonist in clasping the hands of his only goal. While he stretched his hands out desperately to grab hold of his dreams, the latter pulled itself away from him ridiculing him for his focused drive and motivation. The world seemed to cave in on the protagonist and he was sucked into the never ending cylinder of distress with all the lust for life washed away. It is indeed a pity and a fallacy that dedication did not get him anywhere.

A person may be a man of few words, but this person must choose his words carefully. Given this era where little disappointments can create massive turbulence; there is a growing need to motivate. It would be worthwhile to look back in one's life and identify those moments where we said those few bitter words to someone not realizing their impact then. Today that person may be living a life that you condemned him to.

Are you ready to bear the responsibility if something drastic were to happen?

Are you willing to make amends?

Or, You simply don't care!   

Transitions

It makes me wonder what would happen to a person if he were to find out that all he believed in, strove for, suddenly stopped existing.

Would he be ever able to forget?
Or, would he be able to pick himself up in case he didn't forget?
How would he react to his new surroundings?

Simple things like that. What I am talking about here is single minded attention and effort towards a single purpose.

Let me take an example. Take a small kid. Say at a very young age, he found an obscure object by chance that he took to immediately. He felt this was the most beautiful object in the whole world. He held it so close to himself so that nothing else could lay its eyes on it. Everyday after school, he would hold it close to him all the time. He would sleep with it beside him. He would dream of it when he wasn't near it. Over the years, the kid became obsessed with the object. His entire chain of thought had just one focus - 'it'. Now, one morning, to his horror, he finds that this dear object of his is gone. He looks for it, but is unsuccessful. The young man that kid has grown into is all lost and sunken. The entire universe around him seems to be shrinking upon him.
What can he do? I suppose he would either let this loss overcome him and plunge him into depths of doom where all he feels is agony and despair or try to recreate this object using his imagination. The point is what is right. More so, is it right to judge him by any of his actions?

Let us suppose he chooses the latter option. He reaches out to the immediate group of people that know him. He tells them stories of his precious over and over again looking for a small degree of comfort. We are nothing but surroundings to his little world. But it is HIS world! I agree he never made us his priority but we are a stimulus to him.

So what do we do?

Do we welcome him or MOCK him because he didn't include us in his paradise? MOCK HIM! YES! That is what most of us will do, me being no exception. I find this very paradoxical. All of us hold something very dear to us. Something that we don't want to share with anyone but ourself. It is a matter of instinct and security. Then, why do we behave in such a way?

I think deeply about it. At times, I feel joyous because i had a laugh. At times, devilish; maybe because my life is so screwed up and I want others to go through the same. I sometimes feel sympathetic too.

But mostly, I feel CHEATED!!

MaryJane

It was foggy.
It was dense.
I couldn't see a thing. And I was scared. I remember, I was walking on a lonesome street with buildings on either side. All deserted. At the end of the street, I could see colour. Colour so bright and so inviting. I had kept walking towards it. It was then it all began. A dense smoke from a source unknown began to take over. The far end of the street began to die out and before I came to know, it was all foggy.

I had no time to react. I was numb. Something crashed into me from behind and drove me on. It didn't issue any warning and I was suddenly flying very swiftly. I couldn't happen but notice the blur flashing past beside me. I wanted to slow down but the force from behind had taken over all of me. I just wasn't able to fight it. It was futile. Thus, I gave in.

My journey was getting colder. It was stormy. I could see all sorts of obscure objects fly past me. I wondered about them. Probably they were in search of something but weren't powerful enough to make it so were suspended in this hallway. It was now that I noticed that the passage had grown narrower and it barely had any width. The force behind me was manoeveuring me safely from the barricades coming at US. Yes, it was US now. I was still in thought when suddenly I was in free flight. Supposedly I had been plummeted from a portal of some sort and was in a free fall downwards towards something below.

I began to feel warm. Everything around me was still while I was in transition. I jolted to a halt in a few moments. It was very sudden. I was supposed to be scared but I was at peace. Serenity right to perfection. I wanted to stay like this forever. Everything was so perfect.

Blop !

I immediately turned to my source of distraction. There on the flat and hard bed of stone lay a drop shimmering with light. It seemed to glow from within. It wasn't a single drop. It was thick as if something was boiled till it shrunk to these proportions. I looked around to answer my conscience as to where had this come from? Even more surprises were in store for me. All around I could see similar coalesces making their way towards this one beside me. I was getting scared now. I wanted to lift my feet off the ground but there was a voice within me asking me to relax. The partners got closer. They took a definite pattern slowly growing into a mesh as if they were a congregate of blood vessels only that they weren't carrying blood, rather this mysterious substance. I sat there, still... The congregate began to climb onto my body, slowly and steadily. I could feel the impact as if they were capillaries making its way towards my head with them leaving a distinct trail of their path. I was being pushed and succumbed by its force to a pulpit unknown.

Gradually, I was no more..

Colours

Red, green, blue, yellow
Colors are so clear
Drop by drop they drop
It stains my memory
While my heart gently bleeds


Come what come may
I am by your side
Don't let me go away
It stains my memory
While my heart gently bleeds


A few shades of grey
Is all they can produce
The essence still remains
It stains my memory
While my heart gently bleeds


Vermilion, Turquoise, Ocre, magenta
has it become; though
retains its beauty
It stains my memory
While my heart gently bleeds


Hazy, dazed and confused
Lost, thrashed and strungout
is it real or just vision impaired
It stains my memory
Still my heart gently bleeds

Immerse

..The waves have come again,
I can see them afar,
The sun shining over
Every bubble is heaven..

My feet once tangled,
want to break free,
I want to be free...
again...

Confused I am,
Two steps closer,
Yet so far,
Closer..
Closer still....

The water feels good,
It had felt warm then..
I need to take the plunge,
Or do I...

Wait they say,
Wait I should...
How Long...
Let IT decide....

Cloaked

Today is a new day in my life.
Today, I will forget everything and everyone that had been in my past.
Today I will set all my wrongs right.
Today, I pledge to follow a new set of principles that will govern my life.
Today, I am going to start afresh.

All of us have had thoughts on similar grounds at some point in our lives. Some of us have honoured it while some of us have made efforts but stuttered on the path. Despite the gulf between these different category of people, each and everyone has inherently been making the same choices as before. In other words, we never become better. Again, this better implies a lot of things. We make new choices centric to different aspects of ourselves. Here, I am focusing solely on relationships.

What do we define to be a relationship? Literally, any interaction is a sort of relationship or the other. However, any discussion on a subject as broad as this is never going to end up anywhere. Therefore, I would like to delve into the subject of 'close' relationships.

What are 'close' relationships?
"Well, they are people with whom we are 'close'."
"These are people with whom we can share our inner feelings and speak our minds knowing we have their full support."

These are some of the viewpoints we generally get from people when questioned on the same.

I am not debating on the definition of a 'close' relationship rather what brings people 'close'. I am a common man with no extra-ordinary gifts and thus I too accept a person to be close to me with whom I can share my feelings. I am sure it works the same way for most of the people. However, a lot has been on my mind recently and it got me thinking on these lines.

I am beginning to view such interpersonal activities more of a sort of PROSTITUTION of LANGUAGE. When I feel hungry and want to treat myself to a meal in a lavish restaurant, I can just call a friend and tell him we are going outside. He is never going to ask me 'why'? On the other hand, for example, if a man asks his lady for her company, she is always going to believe that there is a special reason behind it. The man will have to wittingly use a combination of words to first appease her and impress upon her that he would be here with nobody else. He will have to fabricate his hunger in a mould that it is not.

In a general sense, coming close almost always implies sharing your woes. When you are happy, you don't need to talk about it. It can be felt by anyone. But when you are hiding something, there will come a point where you would need to open up to someone or 'share your woes'. I feel relationships are built on this mutual sharing of woes and are destroyed because of these woes. Once, you have shared your darkest secrets with someone, you become vulnerable to that person. A relationship develops and this continued sharing of woes makes the bond stronger. A few may argue that I am overlooking the other aspects of a relationship, but truly strength lies in despair. A relationship ends because one partner has done his part of sharing and is free to start again. He is no longer interested in listening to the woes of the other. This is where everything starts deteriorating.

Think closely. What have we done if not used language for a living. We accumulate trash in our heads through the medium of thoughts, and let go perfectly through relationships with language as the medium. What is this if not sheer prostitution.

About making those new choices and not becoming better; we let go of the past and profess prostitution again, only the actors change.

Pain is Good

What is Life?
How serious should we take our Life?
What do we want in our Life?

These are a few questions that I have pondered over a lot over the last few months. I have recalled situations and moments from my past, enacted and re-enacted them with just myself being the audience. I have honestly tried to look at all the various aspects and attempted to understand the core value of the situation. Finally I could not help myself from concluding that ALL of us are SELFISH and we are bloody good at it.

I would not be stating too much if I said that all we want from our life is HAPPINESS. We can all use different words for it, let it be satisfaction, security, responsibility etc but in the end the sole aim is happiness. A quest for happiness is not bad. However, we do tend to take whatever means possible to obtain it and in the process showcase our brutally selfish selves to the world around us.

Again, let me make it clear, I'm not referring to the pleasures we obtain at the expense of others. Because that is terrible. I am trying to bring to the fore the hedonistic bastards we all are. Yes, we all are such.

We all love pain.

Haven't each and every one of us parted with something very precious to ourselves because it made someone smile? Haven't we at times forgone our best interests to put up with some crap our friend asked to give him company in? Haven't we stood up for others to bear the brunt of a calamity all by ourselves? Haven't we all given up something close because we felt it was the right thing to do even if it would hurt forever? Haven't we allowed ourselves to be made fun of because it would cheer up our circle of friends? Hasn't a soldier fighting for his country run ahead to face the shower of bullets so that his comrades can accomplish a mission?
What connects them all?
PAIN and HAPPINESS.
The protagonist always feels the pain. He can avoid it but he won't because he is selfish. The pain is only preliminary but what that opens for him is a tiny window of happiness; (yes, I have sacrificed/helped/donated) which may be fleeting but it is quality happiness. It goes a long way to balance or even tilt the books in the favour of happiness over pain.

That feeling of sacrifice brings with it such immense happiness that one would agree to endure excruciating levels of pain in exchange. The feeling of being a HERO or a SAVIOUR or a SACRIFICIAL LAMB is so badly aspired by each one of us.

We deceive the entire world around us which talks of our greatness. Little do they realize what is the sole objective of the grinning devil.

Many of us will want to refute it but as far as I am concerned I will only say that. " I am in great pain and am loving every moment of it."